Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
