Four minutes until I can fart!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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