too bad you live with your parents still
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
