Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
