After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
