just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
