Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
