dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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