and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
