youre lurking in front of me
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
