two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
