quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
