A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
