meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
