we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
