Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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