so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
