Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
