Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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