Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
