Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just threw up on my dentist
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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