Don't you send me to vm
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
