i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
