I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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