Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
