Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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