i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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