it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
