Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
