I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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