You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
