so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
