i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
