Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
