I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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