dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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