the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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