I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
