My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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