People with herpes should wear stickers.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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