dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
