i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
