just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
