I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
