Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
