At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
