my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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