you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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