I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
