i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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